Chameleons
(Cats are mine, dialogue is a student’s interpretation.)
“OK I’ve been getting up to the same old [same old] like nothing has really changed.” That’s what I wrote last night. Every time I breathe out it feels like more air leaves my body than enters. The same old stressors followed me into 2026 (no surprise) and the hope I feel about a real shift is beginning to slip away. The news makes me feel miserable, and coworkers tell me about their “exit strategies.” As if I can afford to think about an exit strategy! (Well obviously family would take me with them.)
It is so hard to face deep injustices every day—immeasurably more so when you are the one literally facing it—I just want to ignore it all. How privileged am I that I could make that decision if I wanted?
I suppose I’ll keep focusing more on the positive things I read or experience; and I give when I can, even though it never feels like enough. Yesterday I walked to PCC in the sun, I had coffee with my aunt, I said sorry to my sister. When I got home I carved new chameleons into the little cups I made the day before. Today I’ll go donate some stuff to Goodwill and sort through piles of old clothing, looking for buried treasure. I’ll laugh and try not to get upset about how all my friends wake up at 12pm on the weekend, and I’ll do my best to show up for the ones who need it. I have things to look forward to, and according to Viktor Frankl, that gives me stability. I got anxious today but I wrote about it instead of trying to ignore it.
I need to clean my car because tomorrow I have my first ceramics class. Last weekend I was nervous thinking about parking, my experience level, and whether it will be worth the hefty price tag… Work this week was a welcome distraction and when I got home each day I was so exhausted that these thoughts ceased to cross my mind. Well done Past Hallel! Your sleep deprivation was actually a great choice in hindsight. That said, Saturday night I laid awake with seemingly all the time, ink and paper, in the world to think about this stuff.
Here’s what I wrote:
“Maybe it’s time for a perspective shift…
“How would I deal with this anxiety if I weren’t self-sabatoging? Well, I’d spend some time researching where to park tomorrow, pack the tools I need, and clean out my car so I don’t get robbed!
“I’m going to write myself a note that says,
‘Today I will sacrifice current comforts for future fulfillment.’”
Reading is apparently a vice now (which I think is the stupidest thing ever, and ironic that it was published as an article for a company that profits off of reading). So I’ll be reading for the rest of my life out of spite for the Atlantic. And don’t come at me with oh you need the full context blah blah blah because whatever BS they wrote as an excuse for that awful title is hidden behind a paywall. On the brighter side, Frodo and his companions have made it to Rivendell.
Goodnight.
